Space Sexology

Picture this: we’ve completely trashed Earth (not a huge stretch, is it?) and now we have to start colonising space. Living for years in spaceships, floating around the universe... Everyone bangs on about sex on the beach, but no one talks about the absolute nightmare of shagging in zero gravity. Well, today’s the day we change that. Strap in, ignition in 3, 2, 1... 

 

HOUSTON, WE HAVE AN ERECTION 

Some astronauts have admitted to waking up with a full-blown rocket ready for launch, but funnily enough, no one’s confessed to getting busy on the International Space Station (and no, we’re not talking about doctors on night shifts). The problem? Space is far from the ideal setting for a steamy session. Here’s why: 

  • Less privacy than a Love Island contestant – with more cameras than a London high street. 

  • Constant stress and those sexy, oversized space suits that really kill the vibe. 

  • Poor blood circulation – let’s just say, Houston, it’s not rising. 

  • Zero gravity: not just an issue for floating bodily fluids, but also for keeping your partner from bouncing off the walls like a pinball. 


MISSION IMPOSSIBLE? NOT QUITE 

NASA isn’t one to back down from a challenge (if Tim Peake can make the UK care about space, we can definitely sort this out). Some solutions already in the works: 

  • Using Velcro all over the spaceship to keep things (and people) in place. 

  • Special harnesses (if they work in certain clubs, why not in space?). 

  • Custom-designed space suits for two, with handy openings. 

  • A third person to help with positioning (no judgment – science demands sacrifices). 


YOU GO UP, TESTOSTERONE GOES DOWN 

Here’s a fun fact nobody talks about: astronauts spending long periods in space return with testosterone levels lower than a budget airline’s customer service. Radiation exposure, zero gravity, disrupted sleep cycles – all take a serious toll. The result? 

  • Libido in free fall. 

  • Erections rarer than a British summer heatwave. 

  • Loss of muscle and bone mass, which only makes the testosterone problem worse. 

  • Fertility on the decline... so much for populating Mars. 

If we don’t crack this, humanity’s future in space might look less like Star Wars and more like a monastery orbiting Saturn. 

FOR THE LOVE OF SCIENCE, HAVE SEX! 

Doomsday scenario? Maybe. Realistic? Absolutely. 

The solution? Like in skincare, we need more tests, more research, and more, ahem, fieldwork. More sex in space. With or without gravity. Solo, duo, threesomes, with robots, with gadgets. For science, for humanity, and to make sure the future of space travel isn’t just a load of frustrated astronauts floating around like sad helium balloons. 

The real challenge of interstellar travel isn’t just propulsion systems – it’s how astronauts handle their “needs.”

 


P.S.: This highly educational deep dive into love, sci-fi, and zero-G acrobatics is proudly sponsored by our Wowyoung serum. Because whether you’re on Earth or in orbit, no one wants to look like they’ve just pulled an all-nighter. 

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