THE 7 AESTHETIC FEARS OF MEN
As Halloween looms, it’s high time we spill the beans on those aesthetic fears every bloke secretly harbours. Monsters that scare the bejesus out of us at every corner, making our legs, hearts, and... well, other bits quiver.
HALLOWEEN IS ALL ABOUT THE FEARS
It’s not all about carved pumpkins, cheeky costumes, sweet treats and the “trick or treat” ritual through the neighbourhood (physically or a cheeky swipe on Tinder late at night). Behind all that black sugar and zombie garb is a real statement: for one night, we laugh in the face of everything that scares us. So today seems the perfect day to list the aesthetic fears that pierce us as men and to share them out loud.
A genuine effort of research, journalism and cobbling together surveys from Reddit, Twitter and ones we’ve totally made up. Let's see how many of these you nod along with:
GOING BALD
Running your hand through your hair and finding a souvenir between your fingers — we dread ending up looking more like a Bond villain than The Rock or Vin Diesel. There’s no greater fear for a man, nor a business that pumps more money into the economy of certain sunny countries — oh, the joys of a "long weekend" in Turkey returning with more hair than you left with!
THE GUT THAT WON’T GO AWAY
Packing on a few isn’t just about gaining weight… it’s that slow process where your once trim body starts to develop permanent soft spots in strategic locations: a Michelin man under the belly, love handles that kidnap your waist... a multi-faceted horror show.
WEREWOLF 2.0
Or having hairy ears. Also counts for the vines starting to sprout in your nostrils, the velvety eardrum, or those odd tufts sprouting in places where there was nothing before. Rumour has it the next documentary by Louis Theroux will be titled: swimmers who shave like Ken; is it a fad to shave milliseconds off at the local pool or a covert marketing ploy by hair removal clinics?
GREY HAIRS
"Grey hairs make men look distinguished and sexy." We agree... but the journey there’s a pain. First, you spot a thin white line among your Samson locks. Then they multiply. Finally, your first grey hair... down there? Melanin is merciless and democratic.
WRINKLES
Crow’s feet are just the tip of the iceberg, but there are also those two lines around your moustache or the perpetually furrowed brow. There are many ways to handle and mitigate these terrors (and accepting them is the healthiest).
FAILURE TO LAUNCH
Not being able to... get going. The whole alpha male thing is ingrained, and in the sack, we’ve been taught to be orgasm-centric and thrust-focused. A flop is as normal as rain in Manchester (stress, mental stuff, you name it), but when it hits us... major downer.
NOT BEING SEEN... (AS YOU WANT TO BE SEEN)
Fear of making a tit of yourself. Breaking unwritten rules. Standing out too much. Not standing out enough. Not fitting in or your look not fitting. Looking insecure. Feeling insecure...
LAUGHING IN THE FACE OF FEAR
All these fears... and many more we're probably forgetting... boil down to one: the fear of being vulnerable. Of being 'less' because you don’t measure up to what's “right.” 'Right' because we’ve been told so, swallowed it with our cornflakes since we were nippers, and convinced ourselves it's “the norm.”
Because yes; sometimes, we tell ourselves the scariest horror flick ever seen and lock ourselves a bit in it. So, at least for tonight, "it's alright" to open up to a world without complexes.
And dress up as a creepy clown, flirt with the over-the-top vampire... exaggerate, grab attention, embracing your fears (even if they scare the crap out of us).
P.S : This week’s post is sponsored by our fear-busting cream WOW YOUNG. It won’t turn back the clock or regrow your hair, but it lets you enjoy another Halloween looking in photos just like you did ten years ago.